


Sink or Swim

by BatmanWhoLaughss



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Addiction, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Addiction, Episode: s02e15 Revelations, Episode: s03e16 Elephant's Memory, Feels, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25458184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss
Summary: Courage isn’t having the strength to go on – it is going on when you don’t have strength. – Napoléon Bonaparte“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”– Ralph Waldo EmersonReid’s been clean 11 months. He’s so close to his one-year coin that he can taste it, but the cravings are coming back in full force. Almost one year to the day since the Hankel case, he’s barely holding it together.Then, an unsub starts dosing his victims with Dilaudid in Georgia, and everything threatens to come crashing down.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid & The BAU Team
Comments: 66
Kudos: 245





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SO!!!! It makes me really mad that they just kind of glossed over Reid's drug addiction in canon, and I've been wanting to write a fic dealing with his addiction for a while now. I feel like there are multiple times where the team should have been really worried about Reid relapsing, and the Hankel anniversary was one of them, especially because he was already struggling. So I wrote the fic!!! 
> 
> This is set slightly after Elephants Memory. The timeline is murky on when exactly this takes place, but I'm imagining that episode as taking place almost a year since Hankel, so this is like, a couple weeks later. (the timeline makes sense! i promise!)
> 
> I hope you like it!! Thank you to HunterByDayWhovianByNight for being the best beta.

The sunlight poured in through the windows of the jet as they sped towards Savannah, Georgia. Hotch and JJ had finished their briefing a half hour ago, and they still had almost an hour before they were due to land. Savannah PD had discovered a third body that morning–the third in two weeks. An unsub was strangling his victims and dumping them in the historic district of the city. They were dumped in public, bound and left in the fetal position where everyone could see them. But, due to an unforeseen delay at the coroner’s office, they were still waiting on the autopsy reports for the first two victims. Usually, they’d be swapping theories, but for now they really didn’t have much to go on other than the crime scenes, so the flight was mercifully quiet. 

Everyone was keeping themselves busy while they still had a moment to breathe. Prentiss and Morgan were in the middle of a passionate discussion on Kurt Vonnegut, JJ was trying to get a few minutes of sleep, and Rossi and Hotch were both poring over case files. 

Spencer couldn’t rest, though. His head was leaning against the window, his eyes closed and his mind wandering almost against his will.  _ It had to be Georgia _ . Of all the dismal, backwater states that Reid hoped to never step foot in again, they had to catch a case in Savannah,  _ now _ of all times. 

It had been one year, almost to the day in fact, since the Tobias Hankel incident. One year since he’d been captured and beaten in the middle of a dark dingy shed, since he’d been forced to dig his own grave and honest to god  _ died _ , tied to a chair on the dirty ground. One year since Hankel stuck a needle in his arm and started the worst downward spiral of his life. 

He glanced around the jet, making sure no one was watching, before pulling out the small coin that John had given him at the support group meeting. He twirled it between his fingers, still in shock that someone  _ that  _ important had trusted him with his most prized possession. It wasn’t like he knew John well; hell, he’d barely even heard anything about him, but somehow the man thought he deserved it. He couldn’t help the upswell of insecurity, and the thought that he really didn’t deserve it. 

There was only one month until he got a coin of his own. One month until he was officially one year clean. But he could still see that kid’s bloody, destroyed face on the high school bathroom floor every time he closed his eyes, and lately Hankel had been making appearances in his nightmares as well. In his dreams, he was back in that shed, only this time it was just him. No torture, no video cameras, no unsubs– just a stupid, skinny kid named Spencer Reid desperate to get high. 

That dream never failed to wake him up in a cold sweat. He knew the cravings were a bad sign, but he also knew how powerful anniversaries of traumatic experiences could be. They hadn’t been this bad in a  _ long _ time, not since right after he detoxed for the first time. He thought he had a handle on them by now, and he hated the way the constant itch pulled at his thoughts. Reid swallowed thickly. He should be cutting himself some slack, but as he stared at the small golden coin in his hand, he couldn’t help but wonder why John was putting so much trust in him, when he didn’t even know him. 

He sighed. They would be landing soon, and the team needed him. He stuffed the coin deep inside the pocket of his slacks, and tried to calm his swirling thoughts as the clouds drifted by outside. 

\----

Hotch, Prentiss, and Rossi pulled up to the police station a little after ten. They entered the precinct, making their way through the sea of beat cops and detectives until they were approached by a short, balding man. 

“Detective Paulsen?” Hotch held out his hand, grasping the man’s hand in his own. “I’m Agent Hotchner, we spoke briefly on the phone. These are agents Prentiss and Rossi.” 

The detective nodded, shaking their hands as well, though he looked troubled. “Thank you for coming, but I thought there would be more of you.” 

“The rest of our team went directly to the latest crime scene– they’ll be meeting us here shortly.”

Paulsen gestured towards the conference room, where they could see an evidence board already set up. They followed him inside, and Hotch picked up one of the files on the table. “What are we looking at here, detective? Have we gotten any more info from the coroner’s office?” 

“Not yet, I’m afraid. Still waiting on the autopsy reports. But so far we’ve got three bodies. We’ve got names on all of them. Two men, one woman, so this guy’s crossing gender lines. Jennifer Tavers, Thomas Fitzgerald, and Samuel Copeland. We found Copeland this morning– the scene’s still undisturbed, just as you requested.” 

“Anything connecting them that we know of?” Prentiss was staring intently at the evidence board, where photos of the victims were positioned alongside the crime scene photos.

“Nothing yet, that we’ve found. They lived in different neighborhoods, worked in different parts of the city… From what we can tell, our killer’s picking folks at random.” 

“Great,” muttered Rossi. “So we’ve got no way of knowing who his next target’s going to be, and we’ve got almost nothing to go on other than the crime scenes until we get those autopsy reports back.” 

_ Damn.  _ Hotch couldn’t help the pang of frustration that went through him. It was always worse when the victims were random; sometimes the profile didn’t come together until they got more bodies. “I’ll have Garcia see if she can find any connection between the victims that we may have missed. In the meantime, let’s hope JJ, Reid, and Morgan have better luck at the scene.”

\--- 

As they stepped out of the car, the blazing heat slammed into Reid in full force. He squinted under his Ray Bans as the sun beat down on them. It wasn’t helping his anxiety; he was still absent-mindedly fingering the small coin in his pocket as he followed JJ and Morgan under the crime scene tape. 

“What have we got?” Morgan was all business, walking up to the beat cops and flashing his badge. 

The beat cop nodded at the body on the sidewalk. “Samuel Copeland. Found him this morning. Same MO as the previous vics– strangled and bound in the fetal position.” 

“Sign of remorse,” Reid muttered, almost to himself. 

Morgan glanced around the crime scene. “Fits the pattern. He’s still dumping the bodies in public places, almost like he wants them to be found.” 

JJ was eyeing the camera crews huddling beyond the crime scene tape. “How much does the media know?” 

“Oh, they’ve been running the story like crazy,” the beat cop said. “It’s the biggest story in town at the moment.”

“Great,” JJ muttered. “I’ll try to corral them.” 

Morgan was kneeling beside the body, when he suddenly spoke up. “Guys, take a look at this.”

Reid was standing behind him, but he bent down to look at where Derek was pointing. JJ and the cop were standing over them as Morgan held out the vic’s arm. When Spencer saw what he was looking at, he stood up so fast he nearly fell over, his blood turning to ice. 

“Track marks,” Morgan muttered. “Think our vics were addicts?” 

“It’s possible,” JJ said. “Low risk victim. If they were on the streets, they’d be easy to snatch, and their disappearances may have gone unnoticed.” 

Spencer was barely listening to them; his eyes remained fixed on the needle marks on the body. Some were new, only a couple days old, and he felt his breathing coming faster and faster as he just stared. He was frozen, his hand involuntarily reaching to grab his inner elbow.  _ No. I’m clean.  _ Why,  _ why _ , did they have to catch a case involving drugs  _ now _ , of all times? He tried to zero in on the weight of the small gold coin in his pocket.  _ Breathe. 11 months. 11 months without getting high. You can _ –

“Kid? You alright?” 

With a jolt, Reid realized everyone was staring at him. Morgan was giving him a searching look that made him vaguely uncomfortable, and he hurried to drop his hand from where it was moving closer and closer to his elbow. He cleared his throat, shaking his head as he tried to focus on the scene around them. But he could feel the nausea swirling in his stomach, and he was starting to get dizzy as he kept staring at the small puncture wounds. 

“I–” He swallowed. “Fine. Just tired.” He was surprised at how shaky his voice sounded, and he hoped that the others wouldn’t notice it. 

“Yeah, this heat is doing a number on all of us.” Morgan shrugged, but he was still staring, like he didn’t quite believe him. Spencer couldn’t blame him; he remembered all the awful things he’d said to Morgan while he was trying to get clean, and the way Derek had torn apart his place twice to look for drugs. “If these guys were addicts, maybe our unsub is a dealer. It would explain how he’s getting his hands on them.”

“Yeah. Maybe,” Reid said weakly. He was still staring at the victim. 

“This guy’s not dressed like a typical street junkie, though. Maybe he was abusing a prescription drug. Oxy or something,” JJ chimed in. 

_ Or Dilaudid.  _ They were being so flippant about it, talking about drug addiction like it was nothing, and even though Reid knew they didn’t mean anything by it, his heart started pounding even faster in his chest.  _ Just another day at the office. Relax.  _ He could see JJ and Morgan looking at the body, but it was like he could feel invisible eyes on him. It was making his skin crawl. 

“We’ll have to wait for the autopsy reports to be sure.” Morgan stood up, glancing at the circus on the other side of the crime scene tape. “JJ, go talk to the media. See if you can convince them to ease up a bit– we don’t need this turning into a spectacle. Then we should get back to the station.” 

Great. Anything to get away from Samuel Copeland’s body, and the souvenirs of his drug use that mirrored those on his own arm. Spencer could almost feel them, like they were weighing his entire arm down. 

Reid turned and started walking back to the car before Morgan could change his mind. His breaths were still coming faster than normal, and he tried to fight back the images swirling in his head. Memories of himself, passed out in the corner of his apartment, on the floor of his bathroom, with a needle in his hand and a vial of drugs next to him. 

“Reid.” Morgan’s hand was on his shoulder as they stood by the van. “You sure you’re alright?” 

Derek was giving him that look, the one that said  _ you can tell me anything, and I won’t think any less of you _ . But Reid had already disappointed him enough, and he couldn’t bother him again, not about this. It would make everything worse. 

“Fine. Just the heat.” He climbed into the van, willing his heartbeat to slow and his hands to stop shaking.

\---

Reid was poring over a case file at the small conference table, his stomach still churning. He sipped at the small coffee Morgan had dropped in front of his desk, but he was so on edge that he really didn’t need the extra stimulation. Derek had given him a knowing look, handing him the steaming cup with a hand on his shoulder. Spencer didn’t have the heart to say no to him. As much as he was trying to pretend everything was fine, clearly he wasn’t doing a good enough job.

Hotch and JJ entered the small room, both carrying identical mugs of coffee. Three bodies meant that none of them were going to get much sleep over the next few days, so Reid supposed they should all get their caffeine in where they could. 

“Garcia couldn’t find any connection between the victims that the Savannah PD missed, but she’s going to keep digging. You never know, maybe something will turn up,” Hotch said.

“In the meantime, I convinced the media to keep this off the news, at least for a little while,” JJ added. “If the unsub is killing junkies, we don’t need the whole city thinking these are public service murders.”

“How’s it going over here?” Hotch was looking at Spencer expectantly. 

_ Fine. Trying desperately not to look like how I feel.  _ “I’ve been going over the first two victims’ financial records, trying to look for any suspicious cash withdrawals, odd purchases… anything that could be tied to drugs. So far nothing, though.”  _ Because I would know, wouldn’t I? _

Morgan chose that moment to chime in from the doorway. “Just got off the phone with Jennifer Tavers’ sister,” he said, taking a seat at the table. “She claims that Jennifer was squeaky clean. Said she doesn’t know anything about drugs, and that her sister would never be involved in anything illegal.”

“So we’ve got nothing tying any of our victims to drugs, other than the track marks on Sam Copeland’s arm,” Hotch muttered, staring at the evidence board. 

There was a knock at the door, and they all turned around to see Detective Paulsen enter the room, carrying a stack of files. “Just got the autopsy reports back from the coroner.” He passed the files to Hotch, who shuffled through them quickly. 

“Cause of death, strangulation as expected on both victims, no defensive wounds on the body…” Hotch passed one of the files to JJ. “Looks like both victims died in the middle of the night, which explains how he’s able to dump the bodies in public places without any witnesses.”

“Anything from the toxicology report?” Morgan asked. Spencer involuntarily clutched his cup tighter. 

“Looks like both vics had drugs in their systems,” JJ said. “Seems like they dosed a couple hours before they were killed.” She paused for a second, glancing at Hotch with a worried expression that set Spencer’s teeth on edge. Something was wrong, he could feel it. 

Hotch glanced up from the file he was holding, looking right at him as he continued. “Both victims had heavy concentrations of Dilaudid in their systems when they died.”

Reid could’ve sworn his heart stopped beating.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG!!! I've been in a Star Wars writing mood and have been neglecting my Criminal Minds fics. But we finalyl have the second chapter!! I promise I'll do my best not to wait so long to update this again <3

Spencer  _ really _ hated Georgia. 

Hotch was watching him intently, a knowing look in his eye. The others were still talking, saying something about the case, but Reid wasn’t paying attention. He was frozen, his posture rigid and stiff as he tried to keep from losing it completely. The voices in the room were fading to a low buzzing in his ear as memories bubbled unbidden to the surface of his brain.  _ The pinch of the needle as it slid into his skin. The swirl of color as the high really started to take effect. The blissful quiet while he was lying on the floor in a drug-induced stupor.  _ He was vaguely aware that his hands were shaking again. 

“Reid?” 

He jolted, realizing that everyone in the room was staring at him. Hotch was frowning; clearly he said his name a few times before it registered. JJ and Morgan were also eyeing him warily, and he could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears. The itch at his inner elbow seemed to be intensifying, and he was vaguely aware that he was digging his fingers into the skin there. 

“I–” He swallowed, taking a shaky breath. “I need some air,” he muttered. He dashed out of the room before the others could say anything, not stopping until he reached the doors of the precinct. He felt like he was suffocating in there, the weight of the case and the cravings and the reminder of Hankel becoming a physical burden. He was shaking again, fully trembling as he struggled to get his breathing under control. He knew the team was probably worried, and that in turn was making  _ him _ more anxious, but right now all he could think about was the rush of adrenaline that came with getting high. He  _ hated _ that he wasn’t strong enough to fight this.  _ 11 months. 11 months clean.  _

He wasn’t sure how long he stood out there, sweating in the hot Georgia sun and repeating those words like a mantra in his head. He tried to focus on taking deep breaths. He read once that meditation and deep breathing could help with drug cravings–some study from Johns Hopkins a few years prior. So far, it hadn't worked. He could still see the track marks on the victim’s arms. 

“Spencer?” The low voice came from behind him. Apparently he’d been out here long enough for someone to come looking for him.

Reid shook his head, trying to will his voice to stay steady. “What does Hotch need? What’s the plan?” All business.  _ Don’t let them see the cracks. _

“Easy, Reid.” Emily was standing in front of him, palms out in a gesture of surrender. She waited for him to relax slightly, then came closer, putting a hand on his shoulder and speaking in a soft voice. “Are you alright?”

“Fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” There was an edge to his voice, but he tried to hide it. He didn’t want to snap at her. He remembered how mean he was the first time he did, and he still felt guilty for that. 

“Hey, alright. Just checking in. It’s okay to need a break every now and then, you know?” There was so much compassion in her voice, and he really didn’t deserve it. He couldn’t control himself or his urges, and he could only imagine what the team must be thinking. 

Emily squeezed his shoulder. “Take all the time you need,” she said, and there was a knowing, compassionate look in her eye that mirrored Hotch’s. He’d always loved Emily for her ability to say a lot using a few words.  _ I’m here if you need me. I know how hard this is. I know what this reminds you of, _ her eyes seemed to say. Some of it penetrated the storm of emotions inside his head, and he nodded. He didn’t speak; he didn’t yet trust his own voice, but he did manage to offer her a small smile. He swallowed down the lump in his throat as she spoke again. “When you’re ready, we could use your help.” 

Spencer nodded, and a moment later he was alone again. That was another thing he appreciated about Emily: she was always good at knowing when to stick around and when to leave someone alone. Right now, Reid was glad she left. He might have blurted out something stupid like  _ I can’t stop wanting to get high _ if she stayed. 

He stood outside the precinct for a little while longer, just letting the sun roast him alive and trying to breathe deeply. The sunshine and the beads of sweat running down the back of his neck were somehow distracting him from thinking about Dilaudid, and he was supremely grateful. He walked around the block a couple times, before his head finally felt clear and his heartbeat slowed down enough to go back inside.

When he walked back into the conference room, he was still worried, but he didn’t feel like his legs were about to give out beneath him. He pointedly avoided looking at the murder board, where the word “Dilaudid?” was written in shiny black ink. Instead, he walked over and took a seat between JJ and Rossi without preamble, glancing at Hotch as he did. Hotch said nothing, only gave him a small nod.  _ I know what this is doing to you. _ Reid didn’t know if that made things better or worse. 

The rest of the day passed in a hazy blur. Reid was on edge the whole time, and he could feel the team shooting him anxious glances as they worked. Half of him wished someone would just  _ say _ something and get it over with, but the other half was grateful that they weren’t pushing him to talk. 

His heart was still pounding, and he could feel himself getting jumpy. Once or twice he caught himself squeezing his inner elbow, and he knew the others probably noticed. He could barely focus on the case, even when Hotch sent him to comb through personnel files and school records on their victims to try and get a sense of what they were like. It didn’t escape Reid’s notice that Hotch neglected to send him into the field. It was probably so he could keep a closer eye on him, and Spencer didn’t know if that made him feel better or worse. Reid knew Hotch  _ had _ to know what was going on, but he didn’t want to bring it up. That would just make it more real. 

All too slowly, the day dragged on, until it was eventually so late that most of the precinct had gone home for the day. They hadn’t made very much progress, and Reid was still trembling slightly as the murder board caught his eye. Now it read “Dilaudid, multiple doses” and he was still doing his best not to look. 

Eventually, Hotch spoke up. “Why don’t you all go back to the hotel. Try and get some sleep. I want you all back here tomorrow at 9am sharp, victim’s families are coming in.”

Emily, Rossi and JJ didn’t miss a beat. They cleared out of the room before Hotch could change his mind. Morgan lingered, his wary eyes flickering between Reid and Hotch, before he left the room to go wait by the other van. 

Reid’s heart was in his throat again as he packed up his stuff. Hotch was doing the same, and Spencer was doing his best to avoid eye contact. If he could just make it back to the hotel, he’d be fine. 

He wasn’t so lucky. “Reid.” Hotch’s voice was soft, and he’d moved so he was standing directly in Spencer’s line of sight. Reid had no choice but to look up, and he hoped Hotch couldn’t read the anxiety on his face. 

But they weren’t profilers for nothing. “Are you alright?” 

Spencer swallowed. “I’m fine, Hotch.” 

Aaron didn’t look convinced. He fixed Reid with his best profiler stare, and the sensation felt a bit like being put under a microscope. After a moment of silence, Hotch nodded, and Reid was just about to make his escape before he spoke again. “I know this is a difficult time, and a difficult case. But we’re all here for you, you know that.” 

It was a question and a statement rolled into one, and Spencer sighed. He should have known that Hotch would be able to see right through him, but part of him was still paranoid that the team would judge him if they found out he was having cravings again. Still, the simple acknowledgement that Hotch knew what he was going through was nice to hear. 

Reid nods. “Thanks, Hotch. I know.” His voice was pitched low, and he tried to pour the gratitude he was feeling into the statement. His hand was buried deep in his pocket, clenching John’s coin in his fist. 

Hotch seemed satisfied. “Try and get some rest,” he said, and that was the end of it. Hotch was another one who managed to say a lot in few words, and Reid could read between the lines.  _ We care about you. _ It was nice, but that vicious section of his brain kept reminding him that he didn’t deserve it. 

Reid sighed, grabbing his messenger bag and following Hotch out of the precinct. It was going to be a long night. 


	3. Chapter 3

Spencer had been trying to sleep for three hours. 

Of course  _ this case _ was the first case in a while that they gave him his own room and he didn’t have to bunk with Rossi or Morgan. He’d been lying in bed for hours, shaking uncontrollably as sleep stubbornly eluded him. The anxiety was driving him crazy, and he couldn’t stop thinking about the victim’s body and the track marks on his arm. At times like this, he really hated having an eidetic memory. 

He reached over to the nightstand, making a grab for the small golden coin. He was sweaty, shivers keeping him awake as he felt the telltale craving for a hit seep into his thoughts. It wasn’t withdrawal, not really. He’d been clean for so long that he hadn’t been through  _ that _ in a while. But still he shook, as his mind kept playing tricks on him, telling him  _ just once, what’s the harm? Just to take the edge off. You know you want to. _

“Stop it,” Reid whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. His hands fisted in the sheets as he ran a shaky hand through his hair. Swallowing thickly, he sat up, getting out of bed and pacing around the room. His head was in his hands, but try as he might, the cravings kept coming. His breaths were coming faster and faster; as much as he was trying to convince himself that he didn’t need it, his brain kept reminding him how  _ good _ it always felt when the Dilaudid entered his system and he wasn’t going to last for very much longer before he did something stupid.

His hands were still trembling as he reached for his cell. He dialed the number by heart, waiting on unsteady legs as the dial tone rang in his ear.  _ Pick up, pick up,  _ please _ pick up _ –

“Reid?”

“Morgan,” he said in a low voice. “I–”

“Kid, are you okay?” 

“It’s too  _ much _ ,” he gasped, no longer caring about how desperate he sounded. He just needed something,  _ anything _ to take his mind off the cravings, and someone to stop him from doing something  _ very _ stupid. “I need–”

“Reid, just sit tight, okay?” Morgan must have heard the frantic edge to his voice, because his tone made it clear that he knew  _ exactly _ what’s going on. “I’m on my way.” 

Spencer swallowed, nervously. “Hurry,” he whispered.

* * *

Morgan knocked on Reid’s door three minutes later. The kid sounded  _ freaked _ , and he had a pretty good idea why. He could tell he’d been on edge the past couple days– hell, they all could, as much as Reid tried to hide it. He knew they were coming up on just about a year since the Hankel incident, and he’d been keeping a closer eye on Spencer because of it. 

He was snapped from his thoughts by Reid opening the door. The kid was a  _ mess _ , his hair damp with sweat and sticking to his face and his eyes wide. Morgan laid a hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey, Pretty Boy,” he said, trying to keep his voice even. “What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry,” Spencer said immediately, his eyes still shining with a mix of fear and sadness. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“C’mon kid. You don’t have to apologize for that,” Morgan said, leading Reid into the small room and making him sit down on the bed. He couldn’t help but notice that Spencer’s legs were shaking slightly. “I know this case can’t be easy for you.” 

Reid’s eyes snap to Morgan’s, a frantic look in them. Derek knew he had been trying to hide how badly he was struggling, and now he looked utterly mortified that he wasn’t doing as good a job as he thought he was. “I…” Reid swallowed, and Morgan saw him reach to grip his inner elbow tightly as he hung his head. “It’s been almost a year since Hankel. You know the deal with anniversaries,” Reid whispers.

“Kid, are you craving again?” Straight and to the point– that was usually the best option with Reid. He kept his voice soft, though; he didn’t want Spencer to think he was angry with him. 

Spencer sighed. “Yeah… yeah, it’s been happening for a little while now. And now that I’m thinking about Dilaudid again–” He cut himself off, running a shaky hand through his hair. “It’s bad, Morgan. I want a hit so bad it feels like I’m  _ dying _ .”

“Hey, hey. It’s alright.” Morgan’s hand found its way onto Reid’s shoulder again. “You know we’re all here for you, right?” 

“I know,” Spencer said, but he grimaced as he did. “I’m sorry.”

“C’mon, Pretty Boy,” Morgan said in a low voice. He ached for Reid; he looked at him and saw every friend from his childhood that struggled with drugs on the streets of Chicago. He couldn’t always help them back then, but he could help Spencer now. “You don’t have to apologize for struggling, you know that.” 

“I thought I was past this,” Reid whispered, his head drooping towards the floor. “I’ve been clean for so  _ long _ . But now I’m really scared I’m gonna do… something stupid.” 

“You’re  _ not. _ ” Derek said, reaching to grab Reid by both shoulders. “You’re stronger than that, kid. I know you are. We’re not letting you go down that road again.”

Reid swallowed again. “I don’t want to. But I don’t think I should be alone right now.”

Morgan nodded. “You got it, kid. You’re gonna get through this, you hear me?”

Spencer nodded back, just a slight jerk of his head, but Morgan didn’t know whether he really believed him.

* * *

They caught a break in the case the next day. They managed to pick up something off one of the vic’s cell phones- an address she listed in her GPS. They went in with the local PD, guns drawn and braced for a fight. They found nothing but an empty warehouse, though, and evidence that whoever may have been here left in a hurry. 

“No sign of a struggle,” Hotch muttered, looking at Reid as he sheathed his weapon. They glanced around at the bare room, barren except for the small sleeping bag in the corner. “Whoever was staying here, this was a temporary spot.” 

“Hotch! You better come take a look at this.” 

It was Emily’s voice, from the next room over, and Reid glanced at Hotch before they made their way over to the others.

“Found it hidden behind some old blankets. Whoever was here didn’t really care about it being found,” Emily said, holding up a small bag containing–

“Dilaudid,” Reid said, his voice suddenly small and his heart pounding. He fought the urge to reach for his elbow again, and he felt inexplicably dizzy. His eyes met Hotch’s briefly, and from the way Hotch was looking at him, Spencer knew Hotch could see the panic he was feeling. 

Aaron grabbed him by the shoulder, leading him out of the room with a passing glance at Emily. Reid could see a similar searching look on her face. Part of him knew he should be embarrassed, but suddenly he was immensely grateful for them. For better or worse, they were willing to help him, and even though part of him still stubbornly whispered that they shouldn’t be, he loved them for it. 

“Reid,” Hotch said, when they were out of earshot of the others. “I left JJ back at the precinct. The victim’s financial and phone records just came in– why don’t you go help her make sense of some of those?” 

It was like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, but he still felt like he should at least  _ try _ and seem like he was okay. “Are you sure? I can stay, I–”

“I’m sure.” Hotch was fixing him with that stare that said  _ you need to take care of yourself a little more. _ “We can finish up here.”

Spencer sighed. “Thanks, Hotch,” he whispered. 

* * *

He managed to make it back to the precinct without incident, and poring over files with JJ proved to be a nice distraction from everything he was feeling. She seemed to notice that something was wrong, too, from the way she kept glancing over at him and getting him a new mug of coffee whenever his ran dry. 

But when the rest of the team got back to the police station, holding that small bag full of needles and liquid temptation, all bets were off. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO. BIT OF BACKSTORY HERE:
> 
> I had an outline for how the rest of this fic was going to go, but I somehow lost the document so it all got deleted :( so I'm having to rebuild my plan mostly from scratch and things will likely be different (and maybe not as good) as my original planned ending. But that's most of why this took so long. That plus being super busy with school and having massive brainrot/inspiration for other fandoms. 
> 
> BUT THE NEW CHAPTER IS FINALLY HERE!!! There's gonna be at least one, more likely two more chapters to this, and I'm excited to finally get to the end. 
> 
> Enjoy!!

Reid froze, watching Hotch hand the small bag to one of the beat cops as his knees started to wobble. Morgan was staring at him, a sympathetic look in his eye as the cop moved out of his eyeline. He was headed to the evidence locker with the drugs, Reid knew. 

But for a few moments he couldn’t move. He could only stand there in a daze as the ringing in his ears gradually died down. Dimly, as if on autopilot, he registered his own fingers grabbing at his elbow again.

A hand on his shoulder made him jump, breaking the spell as he glanced to his left with wide eyes. JJ was watching him, and her hand moved to rest on his upper arm. “Spence? You alright?”

“I…” His throat was suddenly dry. He nodded, coughing and running a shaky hand through his hair. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” He was  _ not _ fine. Not by a longshot. Now that he knew the drugs were in the precinct, the nagging voice in the back of his head was starting to get stronger again, and before JJ could ask him something else, he made a beeline for the men’s room. 

\-----

Hotch’s eyes were on Spencer the moment they walked through the door. He didn’t miss the way Reid went rigid, his eyes wide and fearful and his hand grasping at his arm. He knew this case would be tough for him, but he seemed to underestimate just how much he’d been struggling. 

When the younger agent rushed off towards the restroom, Aaron saw the barely-restrained panic in his eyes, and his heart sunk. He could see JJ watching Spencer too, and he made his way over to her.

“It’s bad, Hotch,” she muttered, glancing around to see if any of the detectives were within earshot. “He’s trying to fight it, but you know how anniversaries are. He’s not doing too well.” 

Hotch sighed. “I know.”

He looked like he was going to say something else, but before he could, Reid came walking towards the two of them. He looked paler than he did a few minutes before, and the fear in his eyes was even more pronounced. 

He took a shaky breath before meeting Hotch’s eyes. “I can’t be here,” he whispered. “It’s… send me off-site somewhere. I’m  _ fine,  _ I can still work, but… not here. Please.” 

Hotch’s insides clenched at the look on Reid’s face. He looked so sad, but also determined to see this case through to the end despite everything he was probably feeling. It’s something Hotch had always admired about Reid, but it also made him worry. 

So Aaron nodded, trying to convey everything he was thinking through his eyes as he laid a hand on Reid’s shoulder. “Alright. Why don’t you and JJ take the rest of those records you were looking at and find a cafè or something to finish going over them?” He knew he should say more, but he suspected that if he pushed too hard, Spencer might shut down entirely. 

But Hotch saw the relief spread through the kid as his shoulders relaxed. “Thank you,” he whispered again, moving to gather the files. 

Before JJ turned to follow him, Hotch called her name. “Keep an eye on him, okay?” 

She nodded, before walking over to help Reid. Hotch trusted Spencer when he said he could manage, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t worried. 

As Hotch watched JJ and Reid leave the precinct, one of the detectives came over to stand next to him. “Is he okay? The young one. He seems… tense.”

Hotch sighed again.  _ If only they knew. _ “He’ll be fine. This case is just hitting a little close to home.” 

\------

He  _ tried _ to stay calm when they brought the drugs back. Really, he did. He knew it was coming, and he had time to prepare for it. But somehow it still rattled him so badly that he had to leave the precinct. As much as he tried, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t escape the cravings, the memories, the desire to escape.  _ Just for a little while, just like before. It’s easy. It’s– _

“Spence?”

He jumped at the sound of JJ’s voice, glancing down at her hand resting on top of his. They were sitting in a cafè not too far from the motel they were staying at, and they had been poring over the files for the past hour or so. 

“Reid? You alright? You’ve been staring into space for a while now.” JJ was watching him with furrowed brows, concern written all over her face.

Spencer sighed. “It’s nothing.” 

JJ just stared at him for another minute, until finally she gave him a sympathetic look. “It’s okay, you know.” 

“What’s okay?” 

JJ seemed to consider her next words carefully before she spoke. Finally, she smiled. “It’s okay if this case is getting to you. It can’t be easy to deal with.” 

Reid shook his head. “I can do my job, JJ.” But he looked down to stare at his hands as he said it. 

JJ frowned. “We know that, Spence. But that’s not what I mean.” Her hand was still resting on top of his, and she gave it a reassuring squeeze. “We care about you. Everybody has cases that get to us every so often.” 

Spencer frowned, trying unsuccessfully to stop his bottom lip from trembling. He brought his other hand out of his pocket, where it was curled tightly around the small gold coin. He opened his fist, letting the metal catch the light where it rested in his palm. 

He sighed again, looking JJ in the eye. “Eleven months,” he whispered. “Someone gave this to me a few weeks ago. Someone I never would have expected. They told me… they told me that I could give it back when I got a coin of my own.” 

“Hey,” she said, her frown deepening. “Struggling isn’t a bad thing. You’re human.” 

“I  _ stopped _ . I stopped  _ eleven months ago _ , but now I can’t stop thinking about getting high.” 

JJ was silent for a few minutes, as Spencer glanced down at his hand again. It was like the small piece of metal was taunting him, like it was proof that as hard as he tried, he just couldn’t cut it. He’d never be free of the drugs’ haunting influence.

Finally, JJ reached for his hand again, taking it in hers. “Spence, look at me.” When he did, she was giving him that small smile again. “You’re the strongest person I know. And I know you  _ never _ give up once you set your mind to something.” 

His face flushed red as her words washed over him, but he couldn’t help but shake his head. “I don’t know, JJ. I can’t help but feel like I’m never going to beat this.” This case was making every bad thought Reid had ever had coalesce around his shoulders to form a physical weight, and everything seemed like it was about to come crashing down. 

“You  _ will _ . I know you will.” 

Spencer just stared at him, her words echoing through his head.  _ You never give up once you set your mind to something.  _

_ You’re stronger than that, kid.  _

_ It’s okay to need a break every now and then.  _

_ We’re all here for you, you know that. _

Almost against his will, he smiled back at her. “Thanks, JJ,” he whispered, closing his fist around the small coin again. 

A moment later, JJ’s phone rang, breaking the silence. Spencer glanced down at the files as she took the call, his thoughts a swirling mess. The whole team believed in him, even now, even after they all saw what a mess he was while he was trying to get clean. They still had so much unwavering faith in him, and he couldn’t help but wonder yet again if he really deserved it. 

JJ stood up from the small table, snapping him out of his thoughts. “That was Hotch,” she said. “Savannah PD just cornered a suspect, they’re bringing him in now.”

Reid raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t realize we had any suspects.”

“Neither did I,” JJ said, shrugging. “They found him with drugs matching our MO though, and he fits a witness’ description of a guy that was seen with one of our vics.” 

Spencer nodded, collecting the files and standing up to follow her out of the cafè. 

Before they entered the SUV though, JJ stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. “You gonna be alright?” 

_ Am I? _ He wasn’t sure. His legs were still wobbly, and the anxiety was still gripping his heart like a vice. But the team’s words were still rattling around in his head, a calming barrier against the pressure. 

He swallowed thickly as he nodded. He wasn’t alright, not yet, but he was starting to think that maybe someday soon, he would be. And he was ready to put this case behind him once and for all. “I’m good. Let’s get back and help Hotch.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is very, very much appreciated!!! Feel free to follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/targaryenjedii) or [Tumblr](https://batmanwholaughss.tumblr.com/) if you'd like to stay in touch <3


End file.
